Reflections

So much has happened in the last few months, from graduation to Lebanon to support raising, but I feel like everything is just now sinking in and becoming real... I am working at Beaumont right now until 7:30am (why do I do the night shifts?) so this is going to occupy my time to keep me awake.

Graduation was a whirlwind of emotions. I am proud of my accomplishments. I'm excited for new things to come. I am thankful for so many memories from these past four years, good and not-so-good. I have learned more about myself than I ever thought I would. I have become a much more stronger person that I ever imagined. But have I become the person I am because of my bachelor of science degree from MSU? I am thankful for my degree and I know it won't go to waste, but I know I have become the person I am because of Jesus Christ.

Looking back on my senior year alone, God has changed my heart so much that I barely recognize what it used to be. Coming into this year, I was a broken, upset, angry, lost, bitter, confused, sad, searching individual. These have been defining characteristics of myself for longer than I would like to admit. But coming into my last year at MSU was different... all of these things that had defined my heart became intolerable. I knew in the depths of my heart that I needed something more meaningful than I was allowing myself to experience. But we all know things like this and still choose to ignore it, thinking we can get through life trying to control our own fate.

There are times I look back to September and wonder if I would be the woman I am today if God did not allow me to hit rock bottom. Honestly, I don't think I would... and despite all of the pain I went through, it was worth it. As I sit here in the hospital with a suicidal patient, my prayer for her is that this painful experience in her life would be the all-time low that turns her to God. I sometimes think that we all need to experience our own rock bottom in order to see that we need to surrender our lives to Jesus.

I hope that doesn't sound like I wish bad things upon people, because that is not what I mean at all. I just think that we are so blinded by our selfish, unfulfilled lives that we need a slap in the face to realize there is a God bigger than all of our problems that desires to have a relationship with us-a God that created the universe wants to live right in our hearts and be the center of our lives. If a God that great wants to have that kind of relationship with someone like me, why would I want to ignore Him when He is knocking on the door of my heart, begging for me to let Him in? I praise God everyday for bringing me to my knees in September because I know He wanted to be the one to pick me up and finally be the one to win over my heart.

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, when you face trials of many kinds...Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him." James 1:2, 12

Even though I feel like I've been through the worst of the worst in my life, the trials don't stop there, and if I truly follow Jesus Christ I will face trials until the day I die. The Christian life is not easy, but it's worth it. I never imagined that my faith would be tested as much as it has been these past few months. I never thought I would be persecuted or insulted for being a follower of Christ...in my mind, that was something for the saints and overseas missionaries, not for some ordinary person like me. But am I an ordinary person if I follow Jesus? Should I just settle being a mediocre Christian that just shows up to church on Sunday but never really lives my life for the one who gave his life for me? God gave up his life for me. If this is what I truly believe in my heart, why would I be okay with just being an ordinary Christian that backs down when I face opposition?

Christ is my life and He is worth my life. I have lost a lot of things I used to hold dear to me...friendships, behaviors, pride. But Jesus tells us, "Anyone who does not take up his cross and follow me is not worthy of me. Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it." (Matthew 10:39,39). I am thankful for the trials I face the build my faith, especially if it means losing the worldly things I use to find meaning in my life, because then I will experience real life.

I think God's ability to completely transform people's hearts and lives will continue to amaze me until forever and I am eternally grateful that God chose my heart for that.

I have completely rambled but what else am I to do during the most boring 12 hour shift of my life? My patient has the loudest snore in the world... I didn't think snoring like this was humanly possible. I don't know what I would have done tonight if this computer wasn't in the room.

Other reflections...

Lebanon was the most amazing trip of my life. I can't really describe in words the feeling I had when I saw what a beautiful country Lebanon is. The beaches, mountains, valleys, caves, waterfalls, snow, cities, people... everything about Lebanon was just so beautiful to me and I felt so connected with the place I come from. But my heart was broken for the lost people there. So many "Christians" (aka "I wear a cross on my necklace to tell people I'm not Muslim") have no idea who Jesus is. They fight wars over something they don't believe and know nothing about. God is continually breaking my heart more and more for the Middle East and I want to go back so bad.

Support raising, oh boy. Two weeks of raising support for my internship with Crusade have been the hardest two weeks of my life. This is yet one more thing that has shown me that I have not completely surrendered everything in my life to Christ. I'm still holding onto this, thinking that I can raise all of this money on my own. Ha, I know I can't but my view of God is so small right now that I am not trusting Him to move mountains. I have been super discouraged, doubtful, and believing so many lies. I need to get out of this slump because this will not happen if I am not trusting the Lord to bring in all of the support. However, even when I am faithless He is faithful! Praise God for His faithfulness.

I'm so excited to go up north next weekend. I feel really alone living at home. Olivia is moving to Chicago in about a week... one less friend around here. I'm just really excited to spend a weekend away with friends and God... He knows I need it!

Two and a half hours until I can go home and sleep the afternoon away... only to do it all again... yay.